Day Twelve: 18 January 2006

9.21
Interview:
That sensation of heaviness in the arms, it’s called ‘absolute sensation’. It happens when the mind is calm and concentrated and when you feel there’s nothing there: no arm, no me, no Myanmar, no meditation. Even if only temporary, it’s an insight into non-self.

Continue the practice with no aversion or attraction. Note sensations as they come and go. Note the hindrances, the anger, the worry, the planning, the sloth, the sleepiness, the temptation to look at the time. Note them and watch them come and go. At some point when concentration is strong, these thoughts and hindrances will arise, but even without noting them, they will disappear as suddenly as they appeared.

About overcoming sloth and sleepiness: The Buddha taught to twist your ears, to wash your face with cold water, to walk backwards and forwards quickly. If you are really tired, take a 10-15 minute nap. When you feel tired and sleepy, you can also note ‘sleepiness, sleepiness, sleepiness’ with strong vigour and speed. Or mentally shout ‘SLEEPINESS! SLEEPINESS! SLEEPINESS!’ And you are bound to become more awake.

It’s all a process of the mind and body: sometimes the body is just exhausted and wants to quit. Sometimes the mind is drained of thoughts and creates sleepiness to want rest. Note these processes and work diligently.

You could also try standing meditation for 15-20 minutes. It’s the same process: note the rising and falling, then standing; or add touching or sensing. It will help you also realise mind/body processes.

15.04
PAIN
It arose gradually on my left bottom. In the beginning, it was just like sprinkles of numbness. But the feeling intensified and became more continuous, until the pain became one long lasting sensation. I watched the experience, thinking it would soon disappear. It was like sitting on a lump of hot rock: there was intense heat as well as the sensation of hardness. The closer to the ‘epicentre’, the greater the heat, the denser the hardness, and the more unbearable the pain. I kept thinking: ‘pain, pain’; ‘unpleasant, unpleasant’; ‘impermanent, impermanent’; ‘only body process, only body process’; ‘not part of self, not part of self’…

But the pain persisted for what must have been over half an hour. At times it got so intense, I wanted to change posture, or to simply stand up and walk away. Then I remembered Sayadaw Chanmyay’s words: “Pain is the key to nibbana; you are lucky to have it!” So I sat on, but my eyes kept opening, watching the time. My entire body heated up, and I perspired all over.

Then it seemed like the pain retreated for a while. But only to regroup again and become more intense. This happened numerous times. Retreating, regrouping, retreating, regrouping, like an army of nerves poking at the muscles on the left bottom.
Impermanence, not-self, rise and fall. Patience, vigour, endurance. Eventually, the pain became overshadowed by another intense sensation. this time on the left thigh and knee. Shooting streams of cold and hot sensations, as if the left leg was about to be torn open.
Again, I endured it, but often it seemed so impossible and time passed so slowly. Then the clock ticked three. Sigh of relief as I stood up. But realized that this relief and ‘painless-ness’ are merely temporary, as the pain sensations were.

Even now, where there was pain, the insides of my body feels warm and slightly numb. As if those soldiers of sensations are taking a rest, ready for another blow soon…