Day Ten: 16 January 2006

6.55
A dream: on express train, somewhere near Keelung. The scenery outside is beautiful. Ocean view, jagged and impressive rock formations, beautiful villas. But I am troubled, because I need to meet dad for some reason. I hesitate, whether to call him, and where the best place would be to meet. I wonder if he actually did want to meet, because otherwise I could stay on the train and continue my journey. Then the train stops and moves rapidly backwards, even derailing partly as it rushed to the end of the line. It cannot go further. I wake up.

9.40
Interview:
Now you realise the nature of natural processes; you realise there is no me, no Chinese, no Japan, no Myanmar. No need to attach, no need to cling onto self.

And you’ve also realized the nature of impermanence. Where there is pain, watch it rise, watch it intensify, then watch it eventually loose strength and watch it disappear. Impermanence, just like with all mental and physical phenomenon, like all sensations, all thoughts and feelings—all are impermanent.

But be aware of the mind. Follow the thought as it comes; don’t let it control you and your emotions and bodily movements. This is the most difficult to note out of the Four Foundations of Mindfulness. The body is easier to observe, sensations are easier to capture, mind objects are just the hindrances to practice [sensual desire, ill-will, sloth and torpor, restlessness, and doubt], which can be noted. But the state of the mind: its attractions, its aversions, its feelings and thoughts can be wild, deceiving, illusions and memories. Be aware of them.

And be mindful of all actions. Slow down to note all the different processes within you, note the cause and effect of inside of you which manifest in your body and mind. It is with mindfulness that you develop concentration for deeper insight.

Meditating one or two hours is enough at any one time. There must be balance: don’t force meditation the whole day, because it will have no effect, and will rather cause you more agitation.

In the Buddha’s time, there was a bhikkhu who meditated day and night, without sleep and food. The Buddha told him he must maintain balance, because without a balanced mind and without a balanced body there can be no insight.

14.51
How morbid! While sitting just now thoughts of death came and remained for some moments again and again. Images, words, scenes and thoughts of a funeral…

Did something happen? Is something wrong at home? Thoughts wandered to the moment I return to Europe. And the thought I most likely will have at the airport, when I see dad : will the last time really be the last?

No sadness, just regret, that should something happen to him (or to me) that we had to end on a bad and disturbed note. But what good is regret, sadness, mourning and tears if nothing changes in the present to make sure the future is will not be like that?

‘Thinking, thinking’
‘Speculating, speculating’
‘Planning, planning’

Morbid perhaps, but realise that it was neither pleasant nor unpleasant; realise that they were merely mental processes coming and going. And now they have gone.

Perhaps the reason I’ve been feeling agitate and restless in recent sessions of meditation is because I had ‘pleasant’ experiences in the past. And because I cling onto that ‘pleasantness’ I now suffer each time the meditation is ‘unpleasant’.

Realise this, the cause of suffering. Realise that there is no pleasant or unpleasant, no good or bad meditation. Just bodily and mental processes rising and falling.