Day Eight: 14 January 2006

14.48
Feeling restless and ‘thoughtful’ (in a less mindful sense) today. Had a less sleepy and more concentrated start to the day, but now really difficult to do walking and sitting. Thoughts keep on arising, no matter how I label and chop them off at the head. And this eye keeps on wandering, wanting and tempted to see what is happening all around.

17.12
All I needed: a boost in the purpose and method of Vipassana meditation! The Dhamma talk did wonders. Again, realizing the impermanence of mental states.

21.20
Let this be an early night. While sitting, I felt such a forceful surge of anger and frustration, again surrounding the events at home.

Strange, all I need to think of are the words still not said; all I need to do is imagine scenarios of what may eventually happen (but probably may never happen); all I nee to is speculate the responses of those involved, and my mind begins to race and roll on and on and on. All the time, teeth tightening, chest heaving, heart racing, abdomen heating up, lungs filled with such intense and oppressive air that seem poisonous but cannot be vented…

Such rage, such fire! And all the time, I burn myself. I burn my insides, I keep on rolling, rolling in emotions, in feelings, in abstract events and voices that have not even taken place yet. All the time, I burn myself, while my objects of frustration and rage are probably sleeping soundly…

An intense but powerful lesson.

May I be forgiving,
and be forgiven.
May I be understanding,
and hope to be understood.
May I learn to accept,
and hope to be accepted.
May I free myself from frustration,
and hope frustration frees me.
May I be free from anger,
And hope I be filled with kindness.
May I forget,
And hope not to be forgotten.
May I hear,
And hope that I be heard.
May I see,
And hope that I not be overlooked.

May the objects of my frustration, anger and agony be free from my ill-will/
May they forgive me for my momentary indulgence in uncontrollable temperaments.
May they be happy,
May they be understanding,
May they be peaceful,
May they be accepting.

For this young meditator still has a lot to learn, see and realise…