Day Six: 12 January 2006

11.42
Never realized there’s so much anger, frustration in me! And most of all, never realised they were directed at my dad…

Through walking and sitting, even eating and showing and other daily activities the thoughts rise up: words, voices, memories, images, and the people rise up. All circling around dissatisfaction, around not being wanted (or at least feeling as such), around being disapproved of.

How do I deal with such intense and nagging emotions without merely suppressing them with the label ‘thinking, thinking’?

17.15
Second Dhamma talk—Parabale of the Log—really insightful and deep. Learnt more about the importance of being mindful, to note specific and general characteristics of all mental and all physical phenomenon.

The sayadaw is quiet funny and made the audience—made me—laugh. I noted the laughter: the light feeling inside. It came, my eyes squinted, my mouth opened wide, and I made a noise—all at the same time. But a moment later it disappeared. All of that.

18.40
So many sensations just from drinking! The mouth opening, lifting the glass, the glass against the lips, the drinking itself, the flavour against the tongue and inner cheeks, the mouth glands watering, the swallowing, the going down the throat, etc, etc, etc.

Had an hour of walking two rounds around the centre. Such concentration, and less distracted or tempted by thoughts, sounds and movements.

Let the mosquitoes bite. I could feel the itch, the sting against my neck, forehead and temple. But I endured without scratching. For pain and endurance are the keys to nibbana.

And how lucky I was to possess them!

This morning, I dreamt of missing a good friend. Pleasant dream, of hugging her, telling her how much I’ve missed her all this time. Half conscious I lay in bed, but in my mind I noted ‘missing, missing’; and the dream suddenly ended.

And while resting this afternoon, there was an intense dream. As I dreamt and lay half awake, I sensed ‘craving, craving’, and the dream ended too. Is concentration becoming much stronger now?